MY MARVEL BADGES AND THE DC MOVIE BULLYING CONSPIRACY

Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin is the best film ever!!! That’s something that you never hear anybody say. For that matter, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody ever say that they even liked it. Why not? Surely somebody out there must have enjoyed it, right? Of course, there’s the possibility that those folks at Marvel – who at the time were producing such classics as… uh… well, they had Generation X out, and were going to unveil the ‘Hoff in Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD and Blade – well, maybe those sneaky Marvel people and all their badge-wearing FOOM-ers and MMMS-ers conspired to give Batman & Robin some lousy reviews. That must have been it. Obviously.

Batman Forever, the Batman film before that, really was one of the greatest films ever made. That was according to critic Jonathan Ross, anyway. Apparently, he only said that to win a bet to see if he could get his quote on a poster. He did, the quote was used and he won his bet. Thus, Batman Forever is endorsed by at least one critic as a movie which ranks up there with Citizen Kane, Casablanca, The Godfather, or even The Empire Strikes Back.

It’s good to know that, in spite of the 41% approval rating it has on RT, at least one critic gave it such a glowing review even if his motives were highly suspect. The dignity of Jim Carrey’s pelvic-thrusting Riddler, the amazingly nuanced performance of Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face and Val Kilmer’s Bat-nipples remain unscathed, and this is clearly the greatest Batman film ever. And anyone who doesn’t agree with that must obviously be a Marvel-brainwashed sycophant who thinks the sun shines out of Thor’s Asgard.

Green Lantern was brilliant too, and Ryan Reynolds delivered his best comic book film role ever. The Dark Knight Rises made perfect sense when a “highly unstable” bomb got dragged around Gotham without exploding and proved to doctors that a broken spine can be fixed with just a few punches in the right spot and a few weeks of bed rest. Also, Nuclear Man was the best foe Superman ever fought, ranking just above Richard Pryor, while The Return Of Swamp Thing clearly should have won Oscars. Especially for the scene where he drove around in a jeep.

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